You heard "no" the first several times and yet you keep going for the yes. You hear the word "no" after a sales pitch and they explain to you, "You were our second choice." It is amazing how often we finish second. You apply for a job and are told "no," but they say, "We will keep your application on file." You try and convince your boss to give you a raise but hear, "Now is not a good time."
Or perhaps you're trying to put a relationship back together and there is little interest.
You continue to pursue the client, or the job, or the raise, or the girl, like Smokin’ Joe Frazier pursued Muhammad Ali around the boxing ring. And like Smokin’ Joe, you keep taking head shots. Head shots hurt and over time they have a cumulative negative effect on your body and your mind.
Most people don't like to be told "no" and we each react differently to the word. Some people hear it once and walk away, while others have a relentless ability to absorb head shots and still keep coming on like the Energizer Bunny. Good sales people have always amazed me with their ability to absorb a "no" and keep making calls. But at some point in time, even the relentless among us, must surrender to that dreaded little word "no."
Those close to me can confirm that I don't hear "no" well. I am in the relentless category. In fact, rejection often makes me want to close the sale with even more desire as we often seek what we cannot have and I am guilty as charged. The ability to continue on after failure is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because many of the biggest new business account wins in my career routinely happened on the second or third attempt. Budweiser and Betty Crocker were brands with which I had the pleasure to work. Both were won on, not the first or second try, but the third attempt and subsequently generated millions in sales for a small company. It is a curse because you can waste a lot of time when the conclusion has already been determined.
My cycling coach of six years rejected me the first time we met because I was a vegetarian. I turned him around fairly easily by embracing lean meat and fish. But learning why you failed and making the appropriate change is not always that easy.
It takes courage.
The first step in the process is to accept "no" as a positive first step. You were out searching for a new coach to take your athletic ability to a higher level. You had the guts to ask the girl out. You had the courage to ask for a raise. Whatever it was, a "no" is often a first step toward success, so embrace and celebrate it. For much more on that subject you may wish to read Celebrating Failure.
After the celebration is step 2, you need to find out why you were told "no." This too is often easy, but challenging if you've never done it. It is also ignored by most. All you need do is simply ask why you were rejected. For example, "I appreciate your taking the time to speak with me, and I simply wanted to tell you that while I was disappointed I wasn't hired for the job position, I respect and understand you must make choices. I would find it extremely helpful for future job searches if you could share with me why you selected the other candidate over me."
Then be perfectly quiet, celebrate the silence hanging in the air and the fact that you had the guts to find out why and then listen intently to their answer and take detailed notes if it is appropriate for the situation. (Note: It would be appropriate with an HR director, but probably not so with the girl if you asked her politely why she chose not to come back to you. You just need to rely on your mental ability to retain what he or she is saying.)
The HR director will be blown away that you had the tenacity to ask why, and will possibly consider you for another position in the future, if and when they are hiring. The HR director will recognize a quality candidate and most often they will tell you why you didn't get the job. Most of us never go there and because of that you have distinguished yourself.
Step 3 (continuous improvement) is as important as step 2 (finding out why). When you learn why you failed, you then need to take appropriate steps to fix the problem. If you didn't get the job because a more qualified candidate was hired, you have nothing to fix and should feel good about your second or third place finish. If you didn't explain one of your qualifications well, as can be the case, you need to think about finding better ways to demonstrate your skills. Perhaps your cover letter contained typos and you simply need to hire a proofreader to read any written job application you ever make again as that is an unacceptable error. You'd be surprised how often that happens.
But what happens when you've failed multiple times (at least more than three) and you can't seem to close the sale or fix the new product launch or save the relationship with the girl. When is it time to surrender and move on? You can't keep taking shots to the head indefinitely.
When I was in high school my English teacher made me memorize part of a poem by Lewis Carroll and on cue that poem comes to me when it is time to gracefully exit the stage with my dignity in tact. “The time has come,” the Walrus said, “To talk of many things: Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing-wax --Of cabbages -- and kings – And why the sea is boiling hot – And whether pigs have wings.”
"The time has come" is the cue for me. You have tried everything. You learned why. You made changes. You celebrated. You repeated this procedure many times. And still you have failed. The time has come to move on. The rest of the poem helps me clear my mind and start dreaming of new ideas, even if they sound like gibberish now; it was not to be for whatever reason; you gave it 110% as my football coach liked to say. You might want to give your head a short break before moving on, but inevitably it is time to start thinking great new thoughts, trying new things, failing and then succeeding. "The time has come"...most often you just know it.
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